Office of the Prime Minister
Citizens of Japan,
Our government has become aware of a widespread outbreak of the common cold across the nation. To prevent this pesky virus from spreading, and leaving citizens increasingly susceptible to other, more serious diseases, the Ministry of Health is making following recommendations.
1. Citizens, especially those living in urban areas, are implored to wear surgical masks when in public to prevent spreading or receiving this highly communicable disease from person-to-person contact.
2. Citizens are urged to use hand sanitizers after using the lavatory or after eating.
3. Employees and students are encouraged to stay home if they present symptoms of the cold. Employers and school administrators are encouraged to send people home if they exhibit symptoms - they present a public health risk. It is in the best interest of employers to prevent sick employees from entering the workplace – if more workers are infected, productivity will plummet.
4. Drink lots of herbal beverages.
In addition, based on suggestions by Ministry of Health, the following public policy changes will take place immediately.
1. Public transit attendants (a.k.a “pushers”) are instructed to not force persons onto trains as they normally would.
2. Free surgical masks and latex gloves will be placed in subway terminals.
We thank you for your cooperation and pledge to remain open about the evolution of this public health concern, and other ways average citizens can combat it.
Your humble prime minister,
Akira Kurosawa
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
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