Readers, we here at The Weekly Journal have just received an urgent communique from famed American citizen Chuck Norris himself to the people of North America. We have been instructed to pass the message on to you, our readers around the world, without delay. Here is that message:
Comrades of the Great Revelation, a new era is upon us. Our obsolete way of life has come to an end. We now have the power and the ability to change our human race to something far greater than we have ever imagined. As you all well know, vampires have been living among us for some time now. We must not be afraid of them but embrace them as our own. The leaders of the American populace are 100 percent behind the evolvement of the vampire community and all of you will follow. The vampires need our support right now. Vampires are smarter, faster, stronger, and better than we are; they are the future. The scientific community as well as the military are looking to “cure” the vampires. Instead of curing them they will be diminishing our chances to evolve as a new race.
Readers, we here at The Weekly Journal have just received an urgent communique from Chinese President Hu Jintao himself. We have been instructed to pass the message on to you, our readers around the world, without delay. Here is that message.:
My loved citizens of China,
As you know, our country, and the rest of the world, is in the midst of an unimaginable reformation. The past couple weeks has solidified the end of an era in China’s history and brought forth the underpinnings of a revolutionary, highly advanced breed of life that will surely guarantee the advancement and preservation of our civilization amidst the current turmoil.
Click here to download the Communist Party of China's great plan, Operation Jiang Shi.
In this document you will read:
- A personal message from me, President Hu Jintao
- China's Population Crisis Solved!
- Super Flu Sweeps Nation
- Operation Jiang Shi
- How Becoming a Vampire Changed My Life
- Director Cai Hong's Scientific Report
- Ten Reasons Why Being a Vamp Beats All
Thank you for your time, and as I have already made clear, I desire everyone’s full cooperation with Operation Jiang Shi.
EDITORIAL - The events of the past few weeks have shaken us all. Memorial services continue across the world for those lost in the Great Impact, as the devastating asteroid barrage has come to be known. Millions upon millions of people remain homeless, refugees in their own countries. Despite the confident-sounding pronouncements from governments across the world from Africa to New Zealand, I fear that there are too few solutions, for too few people, to prevent more deaths. As winter continues to hold the northern hemisphere in its icy grasp, and hurricanes and floods continue to ravage the southern, millions remain in grave danger.
And now we have the Great Revelation, perhaps as psychologically devastating as the Great Impact. our neighbors and co-workers, elected politicians and entrepreneurs alike suddenly revealed to us that they are - even after days to grapple with the idea, the concept seems impossible and the word sounds somehow wrong in our mouths and in print - vampires.
You don't need me or The Weekly Journal to tell you that change is stressful. The loss of huge pieces of our greatest cities and the emergence of creatures from what used to be merely mythology has me profoundly shaken.
Something is coming. Something big. Change is in the air. I don't know whether this is the time to draw your curtains, lock your doors, and hide under the covers… or whether we should all take to the streets and make a mighty noise.
With the world in turmoil, a new force to be reckoned with has emerged from literally the most unlikely and unthinkable location -- vampires. TBBN has the following two-part report on the emergence of the Earth's latest... threat? Minority? Pandemic?
But not everyone is welcoming the vampires with open arms, or open veins, as it were. Some say that the vampires are a threat to humankind, and must be contained or killed. The Weekly Journal has obtained this never-before-released footage of a vampire killing a human:
So, now that we know that they walk among us, what will our governments do? What will we do?
A famous reporter once said that "news" is what happens while you're out of town doing something else. That could not possibly be any more true.
While your intrepid Weekly Journal was enjoying the frozen charms of Quebec's Hotel de Glace, the world seems to have, in many ways, come to an end.
Here's a picture I took of the outside of the Ice Hotel. The side walls and roof are 4 feet thick and are made entirely of packed snow and ice. The arched front walls that you can see are made of foot-thick blocks of ice.
At the same time, major world landmarks like the Empire State Building, were devastated by the asteroid swarm.
The Ice Hotel this year had 38 rooms, each of which was furnished entirely with snow and ice -- yes, you (and by you I mean I) sleep on ice! (With a mattress on top of the ice platform, and while encased in an arctic mummy-type sleeping bag. But still.) It also featured a gorgeous chapel, which people actually use to get married. I can't imagine trying to pick a dress for that.
Fortunately, satellite images recorded the tidal waves that inundated New York and Tokyo, dousing the flames caused by the asteroid impact. Experts indicate that overall destruction is much less severe and widespread than expected.
One of the most impressive features of the Ice Hotel were the three vaulted ceilings over the massive Ice Bar. Ice columns and snow arches supported the massive roof, while dance music pounded through the space.
No city completely avoided destruction. Each of the predicted impact cites -- among the world's leading cities -- suffered devastation. This image, taken in Moscow, shows the destruction. Muscovite Sergei Fyodorovich Ivanona, shown here, emerges from his improvised shelter to a scene of utter desolation. How Ivanova survived, no one can say.
Snuggled cozily on deerskin rugs in a niche carved into the massive walls of the hotel, the cold is present as always, but these guests of the Ice Hotel don't seem to mind one bit. I hope they watch out for the giant octopus above them, though!
As the world prepares to reclaim its once-great metropoli, one question remains on everyone's mind: how can we go on? What resilience of spirit and strength of our convictions will we find, must we find, to regain our shattered sense of ourselves as the masters of our own fates, and of our planet?
Finally, the question no one wants to ask: is this the end of our punishment, or does the cold, uncaring universe have an even worse disaster waiting in the wings, perhaps streaking toward us this very second?
Well, some of us are saved. Thanks to the heroic efforts of scientists, military leaders, and politicians around the globe, most of the asteroid swarm has been either destroyed or diverted from Earth impact.
Throngs of relieved people have clogged major cities in every city on the planet, except for a few, as they celebrated their reprieve from a fiery, flattened death.
This newspaper celebrates the dedication, hard work, and good old fashioned Earth ingenuity on display in this recent technological miracle.
And no, we do not feel that "miracle:" is too strong or mysterious a word to describe what has happened in the past 4 days. "It was like an act of God, or space aliens, or something," Melbourne resident Kylie Ciccone told this reporter. "I mean, first there were like a billion asteroids coming out of nowhere, and now there aren't. A billion, I mean," Ms. Ciccone clarified. "There are still asteroids coming, and they're still going to destroy stuff. But you know, not Melbourne, and that's important."
Below is an updated map with the remaining impact zones.
As you can see, the governments of the world still have their work cut out for them. Populations of several major cities will still need to be evacuated to safe locations, as the asteroid storm is expected to make these cities uninhabitable for at least 3 days. Casualties for anyone remaining in the cities is expected to exceed 75%.
The cities are:
- New York/Newark metropolitan area
- Paris
- Moscow
- Beijing
- Tokyo
What the world governments can do to save their people remains very much a mystery. This newspaper will report on developments as soon as they occur.
Scientists at NASA, the European Space Agency, Roscosmos (the Russian Federation Space Agency), and other groups from around the world issued a devastating alert today.
Asteroids are heading toward Earth and will impact the planet's surface within the next week. The scientists urged the world's people to remain calm. "This is not," NASA spokesperson Jessylyn Roswin stressed, "an extinction-causing event. There will be wide devastation across the planet, but," the visibly shaken spokesperson affirmed, "we will survive."
The asteroids currently on a collision course with Earth are the product, scientists explained, of a "galactic game of billiards" one scientist said. Another noted that the analogy was more akin to a game of solar-system-wide pinball.
NASA's "Deep Impact" comet probe slammed into comet Tempel 1 in July, 2005, causing the comet to vent a giant plume of material from the comet's core. Scientists from around the world recorded and analyzed the composition of the plume, giving rare insights into the universe's wanderers.
The plume, however, seems to have altered Tempel 1's orbit, sending it careening into the asteroid belt that orbits the sun between Mars and Jupiter. The resulting collisions with belt asteroids caused a massive disruption in the normally stable orbits of several of the larger rocks. The asteroids were sent inward, toward sun and the center of the solar system, and toward the earth.
In what scientists agree is an "unimaginably uncommon occurrence," the rogue asteroids encountered yet another of the solar system's famous asteroids, 99942 Apophis, which some had predicted might pose an impact threat to earth. Apophis' path and density were powerful enough to nudge the rogue asteroids into a path that took them through what astronomers call the "planetary keyhole," the region in space through which traveling objects are affected by the solar system's larger bodies. Passing through the keyhole means that the asteroids, by this time a swarm of small-to-medium-sized rock, metal, and other elements, would enter Earth's gravitational field and be pulled down to the surface.
The map, above, shows predicted impact spots near population centers. The size of the circles indicates the number and size of asteroids expected to reach the earth's surface in that area. Scientists predict that no single impact will have enough force to destroy a city. Instead, areas predicted to be hardest hit, such as Moscow, will suffer what will appear to be widespread, intermittent nuclear bombardment.
World governments are scrambling today to devise plans to protect their populations. The Weekly Journal will continue to keep you updated as we learn the details of those plans.
EDITORIAL: The common cold. Is there anything that can make more people more miserable? This newspaper thinks not. Uncurable and quickly-evolving, the rhinovirus and coronavirus is clearly the scourge of the 21st century.
As people around the globe suffer from a particularly widespread and persistant outbreak of the cold, increasingly the question is being asked: What can be done to stop this tiny collection of malicious genetic material?
Medicine struggles with the basic question of whether viruses, or viri, as they are more properly called, are even alive. How can something so hate-filled, so clearly intent on the destruction of all life and happiness on the planet not be considered alive? Moreover, it is the considered opinion of this newspaper that viri should be considered not merely alive, but also conscious and therefore culpable.
The conclusion is inescapable: viri -- especially those evildoers known as the "common cold" -- should be eradicated from the planet as a clear and present danger to humankind.
The Weekly Journal raises a tissue in solidarity with you, brave men and women of the Earth, as we struggle together to vanquish this mucus-wielding menace.
To our Readers:
This week I've asked leaders in government, science, the armed forces, and even some plain folks like you and me to share with us a little bit about their lives, their struggles, and their daily concerns. This will be the first in what I hope will be a long-running series of informative, hard-hitting and yes, sometimes deeply touching, articles.
My hope is that this series will help to bring us together as a global community, united in our common goals, our all-too-familiar fears, and our shared dreams.
--The Editor
Here at The Weekly Journal, we're committed to bringing you the biggest news, the most polemical opinion, the bleedingest-edge technology, the most militant goings-on, and the hottest fashion and culture in the world.
Our current Global Contributors include:
From China:
From the European Union:
From Japan:
From North America:
From Russia:
