The Weekly Journal

EDITORIAL: The common cold.  Is there anything that can make more people more miserable?  This newspaper thinks not.  Uncurable and quickly-evolving, the rhinovirus and coronavirus is clearly the scourge of the 21st century.

As people around the globe suffer from a particularly widespread and persistant outbreak of the cold, increasingly the question is being asked: What can be done to stop this tiny collection of malicious genetic material?

Medicine struggles with the basic question of whether viruses, or viri, as they are more properly called, are even alive.  How can something so hate-filled, so clearly intent on the destruction of all life and happiness on the planet not be considered alive?  Moreover, it is the considered opinion of this newspaper that viri should be considered not merely alive, but also conscious and therefore culpable.

The conclusion is inescapable: viri -- especially those evildoers known as the "common cold" --  should be eradicated from the planet as a clear and present danger to humankind.

The Weekly Journal raises a tissue in solidarity with you, brave men and women of the Earth, as we struggle together to vanquish this mucus-wielding menace.